I am 24 years old.

I am married.

I have 2 children, boys ages 2.5 years and 7.5 months.

I stay home (for now, in the fall I go back to being a full-time student).

I am not sure what class I qualify as. My parents are very educated, but my husband and I don’t make a lot right now. I’ll go with middle.

I live rural.

I own.

I completed undergrad, and am now studying to become a registered nurse.

I am straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: My dad’s side of the family is English and came over on the Mayflower. My mom’s side is mostly Irish immigrants!

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing. I’m the oldest of six children and was homeschooled until 7th grade. Although I complained then, I’ve decided I want to do the same for my children and have our lives based on family.
   
2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through. Two under two! It’s been wild, but I love watching my boys play together. My advice is just to roll with the punches – don’t make plans or flower arrangements, and for God’s sake, no glass coffee tables.
   
3. Something that concerns me about my children. The state of our world. Young men, especially, are falling by the wayside as there are more temptations and less leaders to show them the way to grow.
   
4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far). My baby fell out of the bed while co-sleeping. I spanked my two-year old.
   
5. What annoys me most about other mothers. Making broad, meaningless, sweeping “advice” comments to other mothers. All it is, is angling for more attention for themselves.
   
6. I am happiest when I sit with my husband, the love of my life, and see God, the original love of my life, in the smiles of my children, the two newest loves of my life.
   
7. I am saddest when I see children suffer.
   
8. My biggest fear is that my children may suffer, too.
   
9. I am ashamed of my weight.
   
10. Something I need to forgive.  My father for emotionally and psychologically damaging my mother and siblings.
    
11. Something I wish I could say to someone.  Shut. up.
    
12. Something I have never told anyone.  I weigh 180 lbs.
    
13. Something I am trying to change about myself.  The way I react in anger far too quickly – I strive to be Christ’s love in my actions every day.
    
14. My biggest accomplishment.  My natural birth!
    
15. I wish that people would open their eyes.
    
16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting.  She was right all along!
    
17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting.  Let your children be children.
    
18. How I would describe my faith life.  I respect God, I love His personification in Jesus, and I pray that the Holy Spirit would show in my life. I struggle with remembering this every day.
    
19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year.  I will be 30 lbs lighter!
    
20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.  I think. A lot.

I am 68 years old.

I am divorced.

I have 4 children. Here are their ages/genders: 4 girls: 46, 41, 37, 37.  PMS was fun at my house.

I am retired.

I am lower.

I live urban.

I rent.

I completed Grade 11. To cool for school.

I am straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: Christian.

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

The inaugural contribution has just been posted!  Thrown Out of the Family describes what happened when one woman tried to protect her nieces and nephews from the sexual abuse she herself experienced by her father, their grandfather…  Unfortunately, the outcome is not what should be expected….

Please read! Comment! Share this post!  Someone out there needs to see this…  And please consider following the blog on Twitter, subscribing, and submitting your own contribution. As one contributor described it, writing this piece is a very cleansing experience….

http://lossoftheliving.com/2012/05/08/1-thrown-out-of-the-family/

I am  39… years old.

I am married.

I have 2 children.  Ages 9 and 12.

I work full-time.

I am upper middle class.

I live in rural.

I own.

I have a master’s degree.

I am straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: Caucasian.

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing.  It was challenging.
2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through.  Listen to your gut, it’s usually right.
3. Something that concerns me about my child.  He has disabilities that make learning and life challenging.
4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far).  Losing my cool and making a hurtful comment I wish I could take back.
5. What annoys me most about other mothers.  Not teaching their children to empathize and be accepting of others.
6. I am happiest when I am running.
7. I am saddest when my children are sad.
8. My biggest fear is losing a child.
9. I am ashamed about a bad decision as a young adult.
10. Something I have forgiven is my parents for not being perfect.
11. Something I wish I could say to someone.  I love you.
12. Something I have never told anyone.  If I tell then I will have told YOU.
13. Something I am trying to change about myself is to be more mindful in everything I do.
14. My biggest accomplishment is overcoming adversity and getting my masters degree.
15. I wish my children health and happiness.
16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting is to listen and validate your children’s thoughts and feelings.
17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting is to never laugh at someone’s dreams.
18. How I would describe my faith life.  I believe that life is a journey in which one strives for enlightenment.
19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year is that I can spend less time at work.
20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.  My greatest strength is my determination.
21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments.   What do you do to manage stress?

This brand new blog is unique… I have searched, and have not find any sites on coping with the loss of a person who is still alive, but just gone from you.

The first post “Why Loss of the Living?” explains everything… please check it out! I also tell you a little more (gulp) about me.

Please subscribe.  Please follow @lossofheliving on Twitter.  There is the potential for something very… special to develop.  I would love for you to be a part of it…

Like somemother, Loss of the Living invites contributors to submit their answers to 10 Questions (I know, only 10! versus 20 here… But they are biggies!).  I would be surprised if there is anyone who has NOT experienced this type of loss, and I am betting that many, like me, need a place to anonymously share so they can heal, let go, and go on.

Speaking of going on, this new venture is part of my journey that I hope will get me back to posting your awesome contributions with regularity.  There are many waiting so.very.patiently in the queue, and as if to urge me forward, TODAY – for the first time in a while – I received a NEW, truly original somemother contribution that I CAN’T WAIT to post.

My promise is that, as long as these blogs bear fruit, I will post!  I believe there is a forum to read your contributions, and recovery in the writing of them.  I would love to hear your thoughts…  What do you think of the concept behind Loss of the Living?

With admiration and gratitude,

s.m.

I am 35 years old.

I am married.

I have 2 children. Boys ages 2 & 4.

I stay home.

I am middle.

I live urban.

I rent.

I have an incomplete degree.  Due to lack of financial support, I was unable to complete my degree in Journalism.  Hope to go back once my boys are in school full-time.

I am straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: Caucasian Southern Girl

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing.  Tumultuous.  Passed back & forth between divorced parents.  One parent was no better than the other.  I never had a sense of security growing up & felt insignificant.
2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through.  Prepare for sleepless nights, spit up, sterilizing everything, but most importantly falling in love in a way that you never have before.
3. Something that concerns me about my children.  I have a son with congenital heart defects (2 surgeries down, likely more to follow).  My other son has Autism.  But, they are perfect just the way they are, and I’ll advocate for them until the day I die.
4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far).  Sleep deprived & crying at 3 am when my son woke up for a feeding at 8 weeks.
5. What annoys me most about other mothers.  The ones that look at you as though you’re doing it all wrong, when they really don’t know your situation.  Also the mommy “cliques”.  It’s like high school with a baby on one hip & a toddler attached to your leg.
6. I am happiest when we are together on the beach as a family, teaching my son to surf, watching my younger son help build a sandcastle, and both boys playing in the water with us (& sporting their super cute Spiderman life vests).
7. I am saddest when I watch my son struggle with Autism.  When my baby is in the hospital for surgeries on his heart.
8. My biggest fear.  Not doing enough for my children.
9. I am ashamed of.  I don’t have a career outside of the home.
10. Something I need to forgive.  The trauma that my mother put me through as a child, which continued through my adulthood.
11. Something I wish I could say to someone.  To my grandfather, who passed away almost a year ago:  You are my hero, and I love you & miss you beyond words.  To my grandmother who passed when I was 16, I love you & miss you every day.
12. Something I have never told anyone.  My mother use to send me into our local convenience store to buy her cigarettes.
13. Something I am trying to change about myself.  Letting go of the past, breaking the chain of emotional trauma, so that my children don’t grow up with a depressed mom.
14. My biggest accomplishment.  Marrying a great man.  My beautiful, blue-eyed 4-year-old surfer boy.  My adorable, chubby 2-year-old, who loves to entertain us all.
15. I wish.  A cure for Autism.  Meaningful, lifesaving research for congenital heart defects.
16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting.  That I can & will do better by my boys.  I will always put them first.
17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting.  My biological father hasn’t spoken to me since I was 21.  But my mom’s ex-husband, who helped raise me from the ages 4 to 14, has taught me that I have to savor every moment with my boys. He’s taught me how to be optimistic, encouraging, and he has taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.
18. How I would describe my faith life.  I’m Catholic, my husband is Jewish.  We are an interfaith family.  I really enjoy the fact that I can celebrate God in any house of worship… including out in nature to see God’s beauty, and even in my own back yard as I watch cardinals, mockingbirds, hummingbirds, owls & bluejays visit me there.
19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year.  That I will be healthy (battled illness for months now), that I will feel well enough to care for my boys with out a lot of help.
20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.  I haven’t had an easy life, but I feel blessed because I have a good husband & father as our family leader.  For every dark cloud, there is a silver lining.
21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments.  I believe that we should be raising children to not just accept their differences among their peer, rather to embrace others for who they are, regardless of race, religion or ethnicity.  It’s a tradition that every parent should pass on, in hopes that someday we will live in a more peaceful & secure world.

I am 32 years old.

I am married.

I have 2 children. Here are their ages/genders: 34 months-girl and 6 months-girl.

I stay home.

I have caviar taste on a Wal-Mart budget.

I live suburban.

I just bought our first home.

I completed high school then took 10 years to “find myself” and complete a college degree that put me so far into debt that I’ll never be able to repay in my lifetime and am now armed with skills in an industry that is not needed in a depression… excuse me “recession”.

I am straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: I’m as mutty as they come, but consider my cultural background to be “West Coast”.

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing.

I’m the eldest and only girl with 4 younger half brothers.  Spent my time moving back and forth 3,000 miles between parents.  It’s not my fault I’ve lived in the most beautiful places in America, so I try very hard every day to lower my expectations of… everything and everyone. 

2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through.

Do not take for granted your babies.  Sure, they can’t wipe their ass, but they are the fuel for your soul.

3. Something that concerns me about my child(ren).

I worry intensely about raising girls as I have not conquered my demons as of yet.  I feel like I should have done that before I had children, but I’m not even sure I know how.  I worry about passing on my food issues, my anxiety, and my people pleasing, my persistent negative self-talk. 

4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far).

I am still mortified at how I yelled at my daughter and spanked her one time when she would quit getting out of bed at night.  I didn’t seem to have a lick of common sense in my head that day.  It haunts me now and I hope she never remembers it. 

5. What annoys me most about other mothers.

Moms who are constantly competitive—oh your child can do this?  Mine was doing that weeks ago!!!  Moms who don’t discipline their children in public (I don’t mean spanking, I mean consistent parenting no matter where you are). 

6. I am happiest when.

My daughter comes up to me and tells me she loves me and snuggles me tightly.  There is no where else in the universe I’d rather be.

7. I am saddest when.

I feel out of control, like a bad mom, bad wife, bad friend, etc., etc.,  I can get myself down pretty easily.

8. My biggest fear.

My biggest fear is losing my family.  I am constantly thinking about “what if…” because I feel so lucky and I always worry that it can be taken away at any moment.

9. I am ashamed of.

There is nothing I am ashamed of but myself.  My body probably.  It disgusts me.

10. Something I need to forgive.

Hahahahaha.  One thing?  Well, my therapist and I have started by trying to forgive my parents.  Work in progress. 

11. Something I wish I could say to someone.

Are you a moron or what?

12. Something I have never told anyone.

I’m pretty open, pretty extroverted, and make friends easily so I’m not sure there is anything I haven’t told anyone. 

13. Something I am trying to change about myself.

I am trying to change my lifestyle, my eating, my thoughts about my body.

14. My biggest accomplishment.

I guess successfully raising a little human being this far has been my biggest accomplishment.  The icing on the cake:  she’s sweet, smart, kind, and hilarious.  I have to give that up to her, but I’ll take credit for nudging her along that path.

15. I wish.

I wish I was perfect and never made bad decisions.

16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting.

Anger is a genetic disease.

17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting.

Physical affection is more important than things.

18. How I would describe my faith life.

Spirituality can be found, cultivated, and celebrated from within.

19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year.

I’d like to be working for the first time in 3 years.

20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.

You haven’t figured out that I’m extremely hard on myself and others yet?  Idiot…

21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments.

I am 34 years old.

I am married.

I have 1 child. He is 5.

I work full-time outside the home, and full-time in the home too.

I am lower-middle, or maybe just lower (who defines these?), but I used to be upper-middle, before the recession.

I live urban.

I rent, but I used to own. I can’t imagine going through the stress and terror that buying another house would be, even if we could get a mortgage (and I’m sure we couldn’t). That makes me really sad. 

I completed graduate. But I should have stopped at bachelors. 

I am straight but am also a friend. 

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: white American; British/German ancestry.

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing. My parents, who believed I could do anything. That kind of support and enthusiasm has been both wonderful, and treacherous, because it has made failing inevitably worse (emotionally anyway) than it might otherwise have been.
2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through. Soak it in, the preschool years are so awesome. Sleep will come later. Everyone learns how to use a toilet eventually. 
3. Something that concerns me about my child. That he won’t have good (or good enough) friends during the school years. (My own childhood!)
4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far). Every time I yell at him for some stupid small thing, when the real reason is my own tiredness.
5. What annoys me most about other mothers. When they treat kids like they’re unintelligent or hip-mothering like a status symbol. 
6. I am happiest when playing with my kid – far away from the house, where I can relax better. Like camping or day trips somewhere.
7. I am saddest when I think about how we still don’t have child #2 and it’s already been five years. Why isn’t my damn body pregnant yet??? Also when I think about how much regret I carry around, all the time. I feel like there’s a huge rain cloud following me around, even when I’m super happy. 
8. My biggest fear. I am terrified of him dying in some freak accident.
9. I am ashamed of my past – trying to be successful in the traditional sense (lawyer, house) and failing (combo of laid off/quit career, foreclosure). My current – spending too much time gaming (after my son is in bed) and not enough time working on other interests.
10. Something I need to forgive. My old bosses, the partners at the firm, for throwing me under the bus. I’m not sure I ever will forgive them, I pretty much hate their guts and want to throw up every time I think about them. 
11. Something I wish I could say to someone. DIAF, old bosses! 
12. Something I have never told anyone. How I thought about suicide a lot while I was still a lawyer. 
13. Something I am trying to change about myself. My weight. 
14. My biggest accomplishment. Being a pretty damn awesome mom, so far. 
15. I wish that I had been more clear about my deepest values and priorities when I was 20 instead of pursuing goals that were sexy and exciting at the time but which got me nowhere.
16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting. Life is all about learning, and forgiveness is important. 
17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting. It’s really important to work hard (like my dad does) but it’s also really important to stop and relax (like my dad does not do).
18. How I would describe my faith life. Latecomer to spirituality, but it is a sweet and precious thing to be part of a faith community in which you truly feel at home.
19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year. So many things – stable employment for husband; pregnant; better garden; more on top of things. Hopefully will have moved on literally and emotionally from all the career/finance drama of the past several years. 
20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above. I recently read that stating your goals/dreams out loud makes it less likely you will accomplish them. But at the risk of that, I really want to share this: I have a big dream of following in my dad’s footsteps and being a full-time farmer. I really hope I can make it come true. It would be such a great accomplishment and legacy to pass on to my child(ren!).
21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments. What is your dream? What do you believe success is?

ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you)

1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing.  Independence, DIY ethos.
2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through.  Be patient, give YOURSELF a time out if you must but try to be understanding to your child instead of just insisting on a certain behavior.
3. Something that concerns me about my child.  Cavities.
4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far).  Spanking and yelling.
5. What annoys me most about other mothers.  Putting infants in daycare.
6. I am happiest when I have a little work but can get it done and hang out peacefully with my kid and have had some time to work out, too.
7. I am saddest when I have no office work, my kid is acting up and I am feeling the ennui.
8. My biggest fear.  My emotional weirdness will affect my kid more than my love and positive attention.
9. I am ashamed of having hit my kid.
10. Something I need to forgive.  I have already forgiven being hit by dad and ex-husband, neglected emotionally by parents at critical times and cheated on by husband (with other men, so it wasn’t that bad).
11. Something I wish I could say to someone.  I am often so lonely and not as together as I seem (I do a really good job of keeping it together on the outside.)
12. Something I have never told anyone.  Nothing, I have confessed or told one thing or another to someone.
13. Something I am trying to change about myself.  Being calm and more stoic.
14. My biggest accomplishment.  Marathons and giving birth with no drugs? Making it through college living on my own, paying my own way after marriage at 18, abuse and divorce? Doing my own legal work for my divorce at age 20?
15. I wish I had more answers.
16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting.  It’s OK to be a nosy, butting in mom. Better than being hands off and having the kid be adrift. Stick up for your kid.
17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting.  Don’t hit your kid.
18. How I would describe my faith life.  Meh.
19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year.  Kid’s cavities will be filled and she won’t have more, I’ll weigh 10 lbs less and have my emotions under control.
20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.  I am grateful almost every day for it all.
21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments. How on earth do people manage to have happy lives, with time for themselves and all there is to do, when they have more than one kid?

I am 35 years old.

I am happily married to a great husband who wasn’t always a great husband but who I always loved.

I have 2 children. Here are their ages/genders: son, 7; daughter, 9.

I work sporadically.  I’m currently in school alternating with co-op work.

I am probably lower middle.  We are struggling right now, but I know it always won’t be this way.

I live suburban.

I own.

I completed college.  Got a degree. Decided I didn’t like my career after 10 years and am now back in college for another degree.

I am straight.  Although, I’ve always said should something go amiss in this marriage (#2 for me) I’ll definitely switch teams.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background:  very average white.