somemother

part forum. part confession. part celebration.

45. Silence Equals Death November 3, 2011

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 11:02 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

I am 34 years old.

I am married.

I have 2 children. Here are their ages/genders: 8, boy. 5, boy.

I work full-time at home, upper part-time outside the home.

I am lower-middle.

I live urban, I guess. For the small town I live in that’s 50 percent below the poverty level.

I rent.

I tell everyone I completed high school, but I didn’t.

I am other. My husband is straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: White with extremely GLBT positive background. 

 

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing. I was raised by a F-T-M parent. FTM is a female to male transgendered person. My father used to be my mother. My parents divorced when I was two so my bio father was never an active part of my life. My mother decided to change over when I was 12 so we went through puberty together. I grew up in a local GBLT community with a lot of people like my dad (or variations) so I was quite comfortable in the GLBT community. Now that I’m married and living the “straight” life, I miss that sense of community with people like me.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through. Listening is key. Listening until you think you absolutely think your brain can’t take any more in. And you can never hug too much.
  3. Something that concerns me about my children. They’ll grow up as relationship-stunted as I am.
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far). I have too many. That’s my low. No, really.
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers. Too “plugged in”. Can’t unplug for a second to check in with their kids.
  6. I am happiest when I have time to spend enjoying my kids. Lately, I’m spread SO thin. I don’t feel I have enough time with them playing and laughing and cuddling. It’s spent doing the real sh*t to keep them alive.
  7. I am saddest when I’m at work and can’t be at home to serve them the dinner that I made and have that great dinner conversation that is two boys.
  8. My biggest fear. That I’ll turn out like my mother in law and my son will cut me out like my husband has his mother. Because she’s evil. I’d hate it if that happened.
  9. I am ashamed of my need to feel validated or to be right that it really overcomes the goodness that I know is inside of me.
  10. Something I need to forgive is the mistakes my mother in law made while raising my husband. I don’t know if I ever can get to that point.
  11. Something I wish I could say to someone is I was wrong. I don’t often admit that I could be wrong.
  12. Something I have never told anyone is that I’ll never forgive my husband for letting his family convince me to abort one of our children.
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself is to slow down and lose the mentality that everything has to be done and it’s got to be done right now. I’m not a superhero. I can’t be everything and do everything for everyone. It’s just not possible to keep it up forever.
  14. My biggest accomplishment is getting my kids to the age they are without major catastrophes. How I’ve not damaged them in a huge way blows my mind.
  15. I wish I could say that my kids will have a stable home with a mother and a father still married. I can’t promise that. Not forever.
  16. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting is that it’s important that your child knows that no matter what, you’ll still love them and do your best to support without telling them what is best for them. Your kids needs to make mistakes on their own.
  17. How I would describe my faith life. Prayer doesn’t solve everything but having that inner monologue with your own idea of a higher up can give you relief and peace of mind that you can’t get anywhere else. You’ve also got to have faith in yourself, that even though things may be bad today, they may be better tomorrow, even if just a sliver.
  18. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year is we’ll be on stable financial ground so that we can finally be able to get the things we need and not have to starve to do it.
  19. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above. You are never alone. It may seem like you’re alone but there’s always someone out there to connect with. It took me a long time to get that silence really equals death. It DOES. Open your mouth, reach out. You’ll find that once you do and you voice your feelings about your life and how you feel, there just might be someone out there who will say “YES. I feel that way, too. Thank you for saying something so I don’t feel alone anymore, either.” We’ve all become so closed off from each other with the computer screens, cell phones and big screen t.v.’s that it’s hard to see the real people behind the technology. It is okay to unplug and admit you’re human.
  20. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments.
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