somemother

part forum. part confession. part celebration.

51. Anger is a Genetic Disease March 18, 2012

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 10:32 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

 

I am 32 years old.

I am married.

I have 2 children. Here are their ages/genders: 34 months-girl and 6 months-girl.

stay home.

I have caviar taste on a Wal-Mart budget.

I live suburban.

just bought our first home.

I completed high school then took 10 years to “find myself” and complete a college degree that put me so far into debt that I’ll never be able to repay in my lifetime and am now armed with skills in an industry that is not needed in a depression… excuse me “recession”.

I am straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: I’m as mutty as they come, but consider my cultural background to be “West Coast”.

 

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing.

I’m the eldest and only girl with 4 younger half brothers.  Spent my time moving back and forth 3,000 miles between parents.  It’s not my fault I’ve lived in the most beautiful places in America, so I try very hard every day to lower my expectations of… everything and everyone. 

  1. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through.

Do not take for granted your babies.  Sure, they can’t wipe their ass, but they are the fuel for your soul.

  1. Something that concerns me about my child(ren).

I worry intensely about raising girls as I have not conquered my demons as of yet.  I feel like I should have done that before I had children, but I’m not even sure I know how.  I worry about passing on my food issues, my anxiety, and my people pleasing, my persistent negative self-talk. 

  1. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far).

I am still mortified at how I yelled at my daughter and spanked her one time when she would quit getting out of bed at night.  I didn’t seem to have a lick of common sense in my head that day.  It haunts me now and I hope she never remembers it. 

  1. What annoys me most about other mothers.

Moms who are constantly competitive—oh your child can do this?  Mine was doing that weeks ago!!!  Moms who don’t discipline their children in public (I don’t mean spanking, I mean consistent parenting no matter where you are). 

  1. I am happiest when.

My daughter comes up to me and tells me she loves me and snuggles me tightly.  There is no where else in the universe I’d rather be.

  1. I am saddest when.

I feel out of control, like a bad mom, bad wife, bad friend, etc., etc.,  I can get myself down pretty easily.

  1. My biggest fear.

My biggest fear is losing my family.  I am constantly thinking about “what if…” because I feel so lucky and I always worry that it can be taken away at any moment.

  1. I am ashamed of.

There is nothing I am ashamed of but myself.  My body probably.  It disgusts me.

  1. Something I need to forgive.

Hahahahaha.  One thing?  Well, my therapist and I have started by trying to forgive my parents.  Work in progress. 

  1. Something I wish I could say to someone.

Are you a moron or what?

  1. Something I have never told anyone.

I’m pretty open, pretty extroverted, and make friends easily so I’m not sure there is anything I haven’t told anyone. 

  1. Something I am trying to change about myself.

I am trying to change my lifestyle, my eating, my thoughts about my body.

  1. My biggest accomplishment.

I guess successfully raising a little human being this far has been my biggest accomplishment.  The icing on the cake:  she’s sweet, smart, kind, and hilarious.  I have to give that up to her, but I’ll take credit for nudging her along that path.

  1. I wish.

I wish I was perfect and never made bad decisions.

  1. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting.

Anger is a genetic disease.

  1. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting.

Physical affection is more important than things.

  1. How I would describe my faith life.

Spirituality can be found, cultivated, and celebrated from within.

  1. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year.

I’d like to be working for the first time in 3 years.

  1. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.

You haven’t figured out that I’m extremely hard on myself and others yet?  Idiot…

  1. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments.
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48. I’m Scared, I’m Not Strong, I Need Help January 15, 2012

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 3:35 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you)

I am 35 years old.

I am happily married to a great husband who wasn’t always a great husband but who I always loved.

I have 2 children. Here are their ages/genders: son, 7; daughter, 9.

I work sporadically.  I’m currently in school alternating with co-op work.

I am probably lower middle.  We are struggling right now, but I know it always won’t be this way.

I live suburban.

I own.

I completed college.  Got a degree. Decided I didn’t like my career after 10 years and am now back in college for another degree.

I am straight.  Although, I’ve always said should something go amiss in this marriage (#2 for me) I’ll definitely switch teams.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background:  very average white.

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU
  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing.  It was not always easy mostly through my own fault, but it has shaped the person I am today in mostly good ways.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing.  It’s the toughest job I’ve ever had.  Very rewarding when you step back from the daily struggles and look at the amazing people you have created and are doing your best to raise.
  3. Something that concerns me about my children.  Having suffered through being bipolar for most of my life, I worry about passing that on to my children either genetically or through memories of my low moments.
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far).  Being the cause of the first set of stitches/staples needed by one of my children.  I was angry and decided to head out to the front porch for some air.  I thought my bulldog was trying to nose her way out the door to follow me and I reached back and slammed the door.  It was my daughter coming out to apologize.  The storm door hit her just right and she needed 4 staples to her scalp.
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers.  Motherhood is not a contest to show how smart your kid is or how many activities he/she is involved in or how overly involved you are in your kids lives.  Do your best, let your kids live and learn at their pace and give other mothers who are struggling a break.
  6. I am happiest when I’m in the kitchen.  I love experimenting with new recipes and seeing if it’s a hit with the family.
  7. I am saddest when I have to explain the hard parts of life to my kids.  Their reactions are almost always sadness at realizing that some things don’t always work out the way you want.
  8. My biggest fear.  I’m afraid of everything.  It’s a product of anxiety driven by my bipolar.  I’m most scared that my son who has social/emotional issues on the autism spectrum will have a more difficult time in life.
  9. I am ashamed of yelling.  I’m a screamer and it scares my kids particularly my son.  I’ve managed to tone it down a lot in the last several years but it remains a lasting legacy from being raised by my mother (also a screamer).
  10. Something I need to forgive.  Myself.  I have struggled for years with the ups and downs of bipolar.  I have given up even on a few occasions and have done many things I am not proud of.  I need to forgive those past transgressions and concentrate on how far I have come as a mother, a daughter, a friend, and a wife.
  11. Something I wish I could say to someone.  I’m scared, I’m not strong, I need help…I struggle with appearing vulnerable to people and accepting help, even from those closest to me.
  12. Something I have never told anyone.   I can’t think of not one thing I haven’t told at least one person.
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself.  My level of self-confidence, my weight, my level of patience with others.  I long to be calm and secure in myself.
  14. My biggest accomplishment.  Saving my marriage.  It was rough for a time and I’m extremely thankful I hung in there and it wasn’t too late for us to change.
  15. I wish there was a way I could succeed at all the things I’m involved with (my education, homeschooling, my marriage, etc) without sacrificing not one little thing.
  16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting.  Your best is all you can do in raising your children.  Try hard and in the end however things turn out they will realize you did your best with the tools you were given (financial, emotional, and otherwise).
  17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting.  My father was absent, in fact he didn’t even acknowledge my birth or claim to be my father.  It taught me that though a girl can grow to be a woman without a father that there is something to be said for a man who has a good relationship with his daughter.  There is no better person to teach a girl how women should be treated by men, that your worth is not wholly wrapped up in how men treat or perceive you,  and what to expect and how to deal with relationships.
  18. How I would describe my faith life.  Evolving. The same way I hope my children’s does.
  19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year.  Continuing to better my marriage and my relationship with my children.  Slimmer and healthier would also be a plus.  I’ll add financially more stable as well for good measure.
  20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.  I’m a wealth of mostly useless trivia.  I grew up in the city but long to live a life on a farm complete with cows and chickens.  I love butter and believe it is not as bad as most everyone else thinks it is. I love Halloween but dislike scary movies.
 

25. Striving August 8, 2011

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 11:18 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you)

I am 31 years old.

I am happily married to a great husband who I have trained quite well.

I have 2 children. Here are their ages/genders: The baby girl is 1 and my big girl is six.  They are the reason I get up in the morning.

I work full-time.  I would give my left eyeball to be able to stay home with my babies.

I am middle.  We live modestly, but we always manage to have all our bills paid on time and indulge in the occasional splurge.

I live suburban.

I own.

I completed high school with four and a half years of college as an English major.  Thanks to my great dedication to partying and refusal to go to class, I managed to escape without a degree.

I am straight.  Although, my baby’s nanny is a lesbian and is so awesome I’ve been tempted to change my ways for her.  Best person EVER! 

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background:  The only thing of note about my background is that it’s not notable.  European ancestry with some Native American thrown in there that only manifests itself in my cheekbones and nose.  As southern as they come, but free from all the southern stereotypes except the accent.

 

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing.

I was brought up to be true to myself, to think for myself, and to not judge others.  Plus, my parents are ex-hippie nudists. 

  1. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through.

Remember that for every phase your kids are in that is driving you crazy, it will be over before you even have a chance to adjust to it and figure out how to deal with it.  Then -they’ll enter a new phase that will drive you crazy.  Cherish every moment ‘cause before you know it, the moment’s over and you won’t get another chance to watch your kids grow up.  And they won’t get another chance to do it.

  1. Something that concerns me about my child(ren).

Nothing!  My children are perfect.  Kidding, but really, I have been blessed with extraordinarily healthy, happy children.  My only concern, as someone who has suffered from depression and other issues, is that they grow up to be happy, well-adjusted adults.  That’s harder to do than one might think.

  1. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far).

If only I could pick just one.  My worst mothering moments are when I lose my temper, which happens more than I would like.  I strive daily to be more pleasant, kinder and less overall grumpy and to not let my personal unhappiness bleed over into my children’s lives.

  1. What annoys me most about other mothers.

It annoys me when other mothers foster dissent and judge one another.  This gig is hard enough on its own.  We don’t need to make it harder on one another.  Mothers should band together and support one another, not take one another down.

  1. I am happiest when.

I am home with my kids.

  1. I am saddest when.

I have to leave them to go to work.  This is not a joke or an exaggeration.  Leaving my kids, especially the baby, actually makes me physically ill.  My stomach hurts all day when I’m away from them.

  1. My biggest fear.

I’m afraid of everything.  I walk around all day every day with a constant ball of anxiety in my gut.  I don’t know why but I wish it would go away.

  1. I am ashamed of.

I am kind of ashamed of how much I have to be ashamed of.  I had a very self-destructive period in my early twenties that ended the day I found out I was pregnant with my first child.  I’ve never looked back.  I wish I’d taken more advantage of all the assistance and opportunities offered to me.

  1. Something I need to forgive.

I need to forgive myself for being human.  I’ve come a long way and strive every day to be a better person and a better mother.  A wise woman once told me that the most important thing for our children to see is that we are striving.  Striving to be better, to do better, doing the best we can do. 

  1. Something I wish I could say to someone.

“I love you.”  I can tell my husband and my children, but anyone else, and I get all choked up and can’t get it out.  I express myself better on paper.

  1. Something I have never told anyone.     
  2. Something I am trying to change about myself.

Everything.  My goal is to be one of those amazingly centered, serene people.  I want to have a sense of calmness that radiates from my core and infuses everyone around me.  I’m a wannabe yogi.  I dream to have a daily practice where I get up at five every morning and do an hour of yoga before starting my day.  I’m nowhere this goal.  But it’s a goal.

  1. My biggest accomplishment.

My kids.  Absolutely the best thing I’ve ever done.  Not the giving birth, that part was easy.  But the raising of them.  Although I don’t really feel like I can take a lot of credit for them.  I think they just are totally awesome little people.  My biggest part and blessing is that I’m able to (try to) offer guidance and bear witness.

  1. I wish.

I didn’t have to work.  Or I could work from home.  Really, I wish for more time to do what I am called to do in my soul.  I want to be the one to raise my children.

  1. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting.

Boundaries are important.  Too rigid boundaries will foster rebellion.  Having no boundaries, however, will not provide the structure and security children and, later, young adults, need as they reach their way toward adulthood.  Don’t be afraid to piss someone off or create conflict if you feel a child is endangering herself.  Conflict can be resolved.  There is other damage that can’t be healed.

  1. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting.

Parenting is an active job.  You can’t be passive and expect to have a great impact.  My father was a provider and a disciplinarian, but his job ended there.  It’s not enough.  My husband and I share an equal role in the providing for, daily chores, and discipline of our family.  It’s a much more equal, balanced home life, that is, in many ways, better than what I grew up with.  Also, my children aren’t terrified of their father.  Fear is not a great motivator.

  1. How I would describe my faith life.

Very personal.  I don’t believe in organized religion.  I believe spirituality is a deeply personal, individual thing.  I’m always happy to discuss my beliefs in an open setting, free from judgment and closed-minded-ness.  I like to describe myself as a transcendentalist/buddhist/pagan.  One of the great things that my parents did for me was to leave me free to choose my own path.  I was never told what to believe.  I fully intend to do the same for my children.

  1. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year.

I hope to work less and have more time to be home with my children and husband.  I also want a dishwasher and a new vacuum cleaner. 

  1. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.

I’m funny, fun and interesting.  I have some great friends, the greatest of which is my husband.  I have a sister who is eight years older than me.  She’s one of my favorite people even though I’m still mad at her for moving to Florida to marry a Navy Man nine years ago.  Also, I’m a great writer and would love to make some kind of career out of it.  From home.

  1. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments.

Put in something fun, i.e.,  What are your hobbies? (I like to read and paint and ride my big green lawnmower);  How do you like to unwind? (read, write, play with my kids, drink margaritas, and in my mind I do yoga and exercise); Something creative you’ve done in the last six months (painted bugs and flowers on the walls in the baby’s room); favorite holiday (Halloween); favorite family holiday tradition (hors de oeuvre night on Christmas Eve); best book you’ve read lately (too many to name.  Love funny, trashy books,  Rarely get into deep, philosophical literature.  I read for escape and entertainment).

I’m a new blogger, (about two-and-a-half months).  Please visit me at The Real McFamily.  It’s good stuff.