somemother

part forum. part confession. part celebration.

48. I’m Scared, I’m Not Strong, I Need Help January 15, 2012

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 3:35 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you)

I am 35 years old.

I am happily married to a great husband who wasn’t always a great husband but who I always loved.

I have 2 children. Here are their ages/genders: son, 7; daughter, 9.

I work sporadically.  I’m currently in school alternating with co-op work.

I am probably lower middle.  We are struggling right now, but I know it always won’t be this way.

I live suburban.

I own.

I completed college.  Got a degree. Decided I didn’t like my career after 10 years and am now back in college for another degree.

I am straight.  Although, I’ve always said should something go amiss in this marriage (#2 for me) I’ll definitely switch teams.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background:  very average white.

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU
  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing.  It was not always easy mostly through my own fault, but it has shaped the person I am today in mostly good ways.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing.  It’s the toughest job I’ve ever had.  Very rewarding when you step back from the daily struggles and look at the amazing people you have created and are doing your best to raise.
  3. Something that concerns me about my children.  Having suffered through being bipolar for most of my life, I worry about passing that on to my children either genetically or through memories of my low moments.
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far).  Being the cause of the first set of stitches/staples needed by one of my children.  I was angry and decided to head out to the front porch for some air.  I thought my bulldog was trying to nose her way out the door to follow me and I reached back and slammed the door.  It was my daughter coming out to apologize.  The storm door hit her just right and she needed 4 staples to her scalp.
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers.  Motherhood is not a contest to show how smart your kid is or how many activities he/she is involved in or how overly involved you are in your kids lives.  Do your best, let your kids live and learn at their pace and give other mothers who are struggling a break.
  6. I am happiest when I’m in the kitchen.  I love experimenting with new recipes and seeing if it’s a hit with the family.
  7. I am saddest when I have to explain the hard parts of life to my kids.  Their reactions are almost always sadness at realizing that some things don’t always work out the way you want.
  8. My biggest fear.  I’m afraid of everything.  It’s a product of anxiety driven by my bipolar.  I’m most scared that my son who has social/emotional issues on the autism spectrum will have a more difficult time in life.
  9. I am ashamed of yelling.  I’m a screamer and it scares my kids particularly my son.  I’ve managed to tone it down a lot in the last several years but it remains a lasting legacy from being raised by my mother (also a screamer).
  10. Something I need to forgive.  Myself.  I have struggled for years with the ups and downs of bipolar.  I have given up even on a few occasions and have done many things I am not proud of.  I need to forgive those past transgressions and concentrate on how far I have come as a mother, a daughter, a friend, and a wife.
  11. Something I wish I could say to someone.  I’m scared, I’m not strong, I need help…I struggle with appearing vulnerable to people and accepting help, even from those closest to me.
  12. Something I have never told anyone.   I can’t think of not one thing I haven’t told at least one person.
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself.  My level of self-confidence, my weight, my level of patience with others.  I long to be calm and secure in myself.
  14. My biggest accomplishment.  Saving my marriage.  It was rough for a time and I’m extremely thankful I hung in there and it wasn’t too late for us to change.
  15. I wish there was a way I could succeed at all the things I’m involved with (my education, homeschooling, my marriage, etc) without sacrificing not one little thing.
  16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting.  Your best is all you can do in raising your children.  Try hard and in the end however things turn out they will realize you did your best with the tools you were given (financial, emotional, and otherwise).
  17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting.  My father was absent, in fact he didn’t even acknowledge my birth or claim to be my father.  It taught me that though a girl can grow to be a woman without a father that there is something to be said for a man who has a good relationship with his daughter.  There is no better person to teach a girl how women should be treated by men, that your worth is not wholly wrapped up in how men treat or perceive you,  and what to expect and how to deal with relationships.
  18. How I would describe my faith life.  Evolving. The same way I hope my children’s does.
  19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year.  Continuing to better my marriage and my relationship with my children.  Slimmer and healthier would also be a plus.  I’ll add financially more stable as well for good measure.
  20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.  I’m a wealth of mostly useless trivia.  I grew up in the city but long to live a life on a farm complete with cows and chickens.  I love butter and believe it is not as bad as most everyone else thinks it is. I love Halloween but dislike scary movies.
 

36. Fuel for a Joyful Life September 16, 2011

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 10:48 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

I am 54 years old.
I am married.
I have 2 children. Here are their ages 13 and 18/genders F/M.
I work full-time.
I am upper-middle.
I live urban.
I own.
I completed graduate.doctorate.
I am straight.
Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: WASP, from Jewish Holocaust survivor roots.

 

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing.  Love, intelligence, freedom and money.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through.  It all works out, if you can be patient, listen, and grow along with them.
  3. Something that concerns me about my children.  I hope they will find their way, beyond their weaknesses, and find ways to nurture their strengths. 
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far). Decision was based on now, rather than longer term.  This covers all worst moments.
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers.  Mistaken belief that they have answers.
  6. I am happiest when we can laugh together.
  7. I am saddest when I can’t fix it.
  8. My biggest fear is that they will be hindered on the path, and fail to reach their maximum potential.
  9. I am ashamed of my inabilities.
  10. Something I need to forgive is the things that arise from inabilities.
  11. Something I wish I could say is that I have found solutions to the biggest dilemmas.
  12. Something I have never told anyone. I will certainly not tell you.
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself.  My ability to calculate what can and can’t be done in this tiny thimble of time.
  14. My biggest accomplishment is balancing children, husband, and clients.
  15. I wish I could find a better solution for squeezing my friends back into my life.
  16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting is to trust it will be okay, and enjoy them just for who they are.
  17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting is to go out of my way to do kind things, beyond expectations.
  18. How I would describe my faith life.   Raised by Atheists, I made Religion a regular part of our week, and found it fuel for a joyful life.
  19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year is my skill level, when it comes to how I juggle duties.
  20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above is the pain and tragedy of my clients, and how I try to help them, even in tiny ways. 
  21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments.  Something I learned from my family,  that I didn’t realize, and would never have understood without them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

35. NYC Special: This Kind of Freedom is Invaluable September 10, 2011

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 10:43 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).
I am 42 years old.
I am married.
I have 2 children. Here are their ages/genders: M/9, F/3
I stay home.
I am middle (upper-middle anywhere other than where I live, NYC).
I live urban.
I co-own.
I completed undergrad.
I am straight.
Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: Nada. Just white.
 
NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU
    1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing. I remember long summer days spent outside with neighborhood friends far from the watchful eye of an adult. I think this kind of freedom is invaluable. I wish I could give that to my children, but, because of where we live, it’s tricky.
    2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through. I am horrible at giving advice because every situation is different. Every child is different. Trust your instincts, I guess, would be my advice…at any stage of parenting.
    3. Something that concerns me about my children. My son worries a lot. My daughter needs constant entertainment.
    4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far). I’ve had many during this heat wave. Most recently, my daughter fell over in her stroller because she was pushing herself around in it. We were in a store and I was paying and suddenly she was tipped over backward in the stroller, crying – out of surprise more than pain. And what did I do? I yelled at her. In front of the whole store. I had told her repeatedly not to push herself around by her feet for exactly that reason. But I would have liked to have shown a little compassion. She could have hurt herself.
    5. What annoys me most about other mothers. Competitive parenting. Ugh!
    6. I am happiest when my kids are happy.
    7. I am saddest when I don’t make time for myself.
    8. My biggest fear is losing one or both of my children.
    9. I am ashamed of my tendency to procrastinate.
    10. Something I need to forgive. My father and I had a fight years ago. We’ve moved forward but deep down I am harboring a grudge.
    11. Something I wish I could say to someone. I’m playing the lead in a Broadway play!
    12. Something I have never told anyone. There is nothing about myself I haven’t told at least one person. And I’m not going to tell about someone else. However, I am pretty sure I have never told someone to f**k off. Maybe kidding around, but not seriously. 
    13. Something I am trying to change about myself. My tendency toward excess. Looking for moderation and balance.
    14. My biggest accomplishment (outside of hopefully raising healthy, well-adjusted children) will be finishing my play about motherhood.
    15. I wish parenting counted for more in our society. I wish family and community were a more integrated and valued part of life. I wish we weren’t forced to the sidelines the way we are. I wish it were easier to keep more (or, hell, even all) of yourself engaged while raising your children.
    16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting. You never stop learning.
    17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting. You can’t always fix things, however much you wish you could.
    18. How I would describe my faith life. Non-existent.
    19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year. A lot could be different. Both of my children will be in school full-time this fall. But, most simply, I hope to have a job that pays. I miss a paycheck.
    20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above. I can’t tell you. That’s what my play is about!!
    21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments. Are you parenting the way you imagined you would before you had kids?
 

23. My Husband is a Key Part July 31, 2011

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 10:11 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

I am 39 years old.

I am married.

I have 2 children. Here are their ages/genders: 5-year-old girl, 2-year-old boy

I work full-time, but from home.

I am upper-middle.

I live urban.

I own.

I completed undergrad.

I am straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: Your basic whitey with a dash of Native American.

 

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing.  Divorced parents as long as I can remember. Both parents are extreme opposites.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through. Don’t forget how freaking cute they are, when you’re super frustrated at their incredible lack of self-control.
  3. Something that concerns me about my children. I worry about my children learning empathy. A LOT.
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far). Let’s see, I cut my 3-month-olds toenail too far and it never grew back. That same child now knows that “f**k” is what you say when you’re really, really, mad. She’s 5.
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers. The inability to put yourself — sympathetically — in another mom’s shoes unless she shares your dogmatic  beliefs.
  6. I am happiest when I’m surrounded by my happy family.
  7. I am saddest when I worry about my family.
  8. My biggest fear is that any one of them, at any time could be taken from me.
  9. I am ashamed of my anger at my kids when they embarrass me in public.
  10. Something I need to forgive.  My own mother for not teaching me that kids should be allowed to make mistakes. (And adults, for that matter.)
  11. Something I wish I could say to someone. “I swear to god, my kids are not usually like this.”
  12. Something I have never told anyone. I’m really scared my daughter will marry the wrong person.
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself. Oh god. Let’s see. Patience, and my weight. In that order.
  14. My biggest accomplishment.  Teaching my daughter how sexism works, but still putting a positive spin on men and women and how they work together. That’s right, in pre-school.
  15. I wish Supernanny, Jo Frost could live with us three days out of every month.
  16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting. That while perfection should never be a goal, it should always be a consideration. 
  17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting. Even the biggest f**k up has kids that love him.
  18. How I would describe my faith life. Pure as the driven snow.
  19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year. My pre-schooler will stop acting like a teenager.
  20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above. My husband is a key part of my health, my happiness, and my children’s happiness. 
  21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments. I’d like to see moms answer the question: When did you decide you were ready to have kids? I decided about three months after I met my husband, and not one second before. I hate that that sounds a little bit like I need a man, because it’s more about me not trusting men, then my dependence on men. But basically, I wasn’t going to do it alone. And thank god I found the right person to do it with. Otherwise, honestly, I never would have.
 

13. I Want to Go Back to Being ME July 8, 2011

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 11:24 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

I am 26 years old.

I am married.

I have 4 children. 10yo(g), 7yo(b) 4yo(g),15m(b). 

I am middle-upper.

stay home/work at home.

I live rural.

own.

I completed certificate of competence.

I am straight. 

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: Caucasian/American.

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringingNot much to really note. Divorced parents, father in the US Army, mother nurse, lived with mother but she wasn’t that close to me.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of childbearing that I just went throughBabysit a bratty 10 year old girl before you ever think of having a child. The older ones are trouble.
  3. Something that concerns me about my child(ren). That they now only have one living grandparent. 
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far). Marrying the father of my son after he 9 months old, we were not together during pregnancy and needless to say divorced in 6 months
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers. Single mothers who are so busy looking for a husband they do not have time for their kids or themselves.
  6. I am happiest when. I get sleep of some kind and wake to happy babies not fussy under-rested ones. 
  7. I am saddest when. I feel like I have failed as a mother and do not have time/money for activities they want to do. 
  8. My biggest fear. Death.
  9. I am ashamed of. Not caring what I look like anymore.  
  10. Something I need to forgive. Myself.
  11. Something I wish I could say to someone. Just go… be yourself.
  12. Something I have never told anyone. I never pictured myself with kids, if I was a normal teen with activities and got more attention I would only have one child right now.  
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself. I want to go back to being ME and not who everyone else wants me to be.
  14. My biggest accomplishment. Buying a second home at 26. So ready to start new closer to “home.”
  15. I wish. My mother was still here, we didn’t really argue, she was just focused to much on finding a “new man” that she made herself depressed and lost that battle. 
  16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting. Tell your kids you love them every day! No matter how old they are. 
  17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting. Even if you are not there due to time, work or money you can still be the best father in the world.
  18. How I would describe my faith life. n/a
  19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year. I will have a little more money for fun and my children will have friends over that they can see/spend the day with whenever they would like.
  20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.  I am not afraid of life/divorce. I have only been in a few long term relationships and 2 have ended in children and splitting up/divorce. Yes I was young but I did what I had to for my child even if that meant dropping out of school and working two jobs. I think all moms need that feeling of “If I had to do it alone, could I ?” Yes you can!
  21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments.  Did you always want to be a Mother?
 

12. Canada Day Special: I Am the Person Who Tries to Say It July 1, 2011

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 9:01 am
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     ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

I am 38 years old.

I am happily married but often lack the time to truly enjoy our marriage.

I have 2 children; a million dollar family with a 5-year-old boy and 3-year-old daughter.

I mostly stay at home but “dabble” with work a day or two a week.

I am middle, middle upper maybe?  I was once more upper before having kids!

I live urban.

I own.

I completed two undergrad degrees.

I am straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background:  I wish I had more of a cultural identity or a closer link with my heritage.  I am caucasian.

 

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing.  I had a mother who loved me more than anything else in the world.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through.  Time is fleeting.  My favourite quote is, “The days are long but the years are short.”  I remember when my first child was born and everyone would say to enjoy these moments.  I didn’t get it.  Honestly, it pissed me off.  I thought this sleeplessness is NOT going fast enough.  But now, as we stand on the brink of grade one, I cannot possibly believe the time has passed so quickly.  I want to rewind it all and let the hands of time pass more slowly.
  3. Something that concerns me about my child(ren).  What mother doesn’t worry?  I think we all are genetically engineered to worry.  My biggest worry is that my children will grow up and not find happiness along the way.
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far).   How to pick?  Spanking has to top the list.  It doesn’t make anything better.  It only makes me feel that I was the one who lost control and had a temper tantrum instead of my child.
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers.  Competitiveness or judgement.
  6. I am happiest when my kids are happy.
  7. I am saddest when my kids are sad or I think I have somehow failed them.
  8. My biggest fear is one of my children dying before me or dying while my children are young.
  9. I am ashamed of not being more generous.
  10. Something I need to forgive.  I need to forgive myself.  Like most mothers, I am my own worst critic.
  11. Something I wish I could say to someone.  Mostly, I am the person who tries to say it.  Be it good or bad, I try to tactfully say it.  That means I have put my foot in my mouth a few times but yet, I still believe if you feel strongly enough about something, it may need to be said aloud.
  12. Something I have never told anyone.  I must be an open book.  I cannot think of one single thing that I have not shared with at least one person in my life.  I guess that makes me fortunate to have such a wonderful circle of people who care enough to listen without judgement.
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself.  I am trying to worry less about the number and more about my health.
  14. My biggest accomplishment.  The obvious is my children but beyond that, being a person people can count on and confide in.
  15. I wish I would win the lottery.  Selfish but true.
  16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting.  Having one parent who you know loves you can be enough to make all the difference in the world.
  17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting.  Life is unpredictable and sometimes you have to stand up for what is best for you.
  18. How I would describe my faith life.  I believe in karma, in doing unto others, that there is someone/something guiding us and looking out for us but who or what it is I don’t know.  I also have faith in the goodness of people.
  19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year.  I am not sure.  Perhaps that I find a way to work a day or two a week and make lots of money.  Financially it would be better for me to work more but I realize my kids will only be little for a “little” while.  I want to soak it all up and no amount of money is worth missing it!
  20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.  I think I am a glass half full type person and hope that my friends and family see me in the same light.
  21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments.