somemother

part forum. part confession. part celebration.

21. Corny But True July 26, 2011

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 9:45 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

I am 38 years old.

I am married.

I have 2 children (3 & 6).

I work part-time.

I am middle class.

I live urban.

I own.

I completed college, went to University too.

I am straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: Canadian – English/ Irish/ Scottish

 

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing. My basic needs were met but I never felt wanted or loved.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through. Each stage, good or bad will pass.
  3. Something that concerns me about my children. Worry my youngest has a chronic health condition that has not been diagnosed.
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far). I have slapped a hand – hard. I am not proud of that, but I am more ashamed of screaming at them, I mean lost it and terrified them.
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers.
  6. I am happiest when my kids are happy.
  7. I am saddest when I forget to enjoy them and am too focused on completing the “tasks”  (dinner, pjs, teeth bed).
  8. My biggest fear. That my children will die before me or that my husband or I will die before they are grown.
  9. I am ashamed of my weight, losing control and scaring my kids.
  10. Something I need to forgive.  See above.
  11. Something I wish I could say to someone. I am sorry for letting you down.
  12. Something I have never told anyone.  I am worried about my marriage. Worried about money.
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself.  See #9
  14. My biggest accomplishment.  My kids, corny but true.
  15. I wish my husband and I could re-connect.
  16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting. Don’t be so angry all the time.
  17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting. Be there, show up. Time is more important than money.
  18. How I would describe my faith life. I believe in karma. Do unto others as you would have done unto you.
  19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year.  Better weight management, better money management, have my marriage back on track.
  20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.
  21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments. Do you feel you are a better parent than your parents were?
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18. Be Careful What You Wish For July 19, 2011

ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

I am 41 years old.

I am single.

I have 1 child, a boy and he is a brand new 6 yr old.

I work full-time to pay bills and be a mom but my soul slowly melts just a little bit everyday in my chosen career. My current female boss is a bully and I have to put up with it in order to get my level up then I can start looking for a better place or hope she retires sooner…

I am lower middle not sure really (I make enough to live check to check with no savings but have a mortgage, food and clothing and bit for of $ for my son to enjoy some fun times and for me to help keep my hobby going . So I am not sure what that makes me…normal ?

I live urban but would love to live rural.

own but only by the hair of my chinny chin chin..or at this point the moustache that has started to poke out.Shhhh you can only see it in the bright sun depending on the tilt of my face. I have remortgaged again to pay lawyer bills. 

I completed highschool and spent a year at 29 taking a micro computer business course because when I went to school we had smoking room not a computer room.

I am straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: Ukrainian..Canadian Ukrainian of the prairies.

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringingThere is 8 yrs between my sister and I and 6 six between my brother so I was not an only child but felt like one. I was sexually abused by an intern when I was 5 at the hospital getting my tonsils out. I remembered when I was 21.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through. Be patient, forgive yourself, don’t dwell on what you did or could have done in the situation just know you will learn from it and address the situation better next time. It’s okay to yell once in a while you are human but it also okay to say sorry to your child too…
  3. Something that concerns me about my child(ren). That I am only in his life half time due to our separation and I have done him a great disservice as a mother.
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far). Oh gosh…wishing I stayed with his abusive father so he wouldn’t be so sad that his parents weren’t together any more. Yelling and seeing his little face crushed just as if I had hit him and it was over something so stupid I can’t remember. From this situation I learned to control my urge to yell and now it really does happen rarely and for a good reason but I have learned to explain why I yelled and to say sorry if necessary.  I am only human… 🙂
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers. Lots of stuff used to annoy me about other mothers but I now realize they are only people who would have annoyed me before, mother or not… so when I meet a neat and honest mom I try to make a friend right away. I don’t have many mom friends because I can’t compete and don’t want to. Sadly for a lot of moms that is what motherhood of a school child is. I am what I am, take or leave it…oh and if you judged because I was a single mom and then you become one later and decide now you can come to my level and be my friend…go F* yourself…yep I said it. While I’m on the topic. I swear …mostly not in front of my kid but sometimes I do so to all those moms that shrink in fear, get over it, my kid knows what a bad word is and is very aware he catches me and lets me know it was wrong ..guess what, we move on and no one got hurt.. .  by the way that is the least of your worries in your child’s life.  
  6. I am happiest when my son is home with me.
  7. I am saddest when he is at his Dad’s and I have pretend I am okay with it. By the way moms who say to me, oh I would love a week away from kids…careful what you wish for.
  8. My biggest fear my son growing up and having his father’s narcissistic traits, gives me shivers really.
  9. I am ashamed of my body. I used to be sexy a size 8 now I’m a part-time single mom with a flappy belly size 12… oh and my messy house..I can’t keep up it seems. I clean when I have time but I am so tired and house by yourself including a big yard to deal with is a lot of work.I don’t want to sound whiney or ungrateful..I am grateful to own a home, just overwhelmed.
  10. Something I need to forgive my body..I had my baby at 35. I didn’t do much to get back in shape and now I have what I have.
  11. Something I wish I could say to someone. I’m someone special too. Just because I don’t mind being alone doesn’t mean I like being alone. 
  12. Something I have never told anyone. My ex hurt me so bad emotionally and physically that I don’t feel worthy of another man’s love…ever that I really am fat, ugly and useless. I can’t take a compliment from another man to this day…I will die alone because I can’t get past his abuse.
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself. Being hard on myself.
  14. My biggest accomplishment. My son, my house, my friends.
  15. I wish my son a long happy accomplished life. I wish my friends the best in their life. I wish had a man just once that was real lover, and a friend who understood I can only be who I am and nothing more. 
  16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting. Be part of your childs life, don’t smother but mother.
  17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting. Don’t hide behind addictions because you will regret it later and never feel like you can make up for lost moments.I forgive you dad 🙂
  18. How I would describe my faith life. I believe in God, life, love. I believe everyone needs to have a faith whatever that maybe but without they are lost. We all need to believe in something because otherwise what’s the point of being. My faith life is simple …be honest and accepting..be real, ask for help, and always say thank you for any help you receive. Acknowledge goodness always..from someone opening up a door for you or when you see someone else do something kind for another person acknowledge out loud or in your head..the more goodness we put out the better our world becomes. Swear words don’t mean you are a bad person they just mean you need to get a better vocabulary.. 🙂
  19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year. I will be  happier with my self, life, home.
  20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above. I am a part-time mom. My son is shared between my home and X’s for 7 days at a time. This leaves me with 7 days to be a single woman…I don’t know how to be that anymore. I tried my first fling for the first time in 6 yrs..sex is not like riding bike.  Oh my! this taught me that I need to spend some time finding out who I am when I don’t have my son. On the flip side I think this week on week off schedule has taught me to be a better mom because every moment with my son is precious. I want to be all that I can be in those 7 days.
  21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments. What does sex mean to you now that you have had babies? I can tell you I would love to get it on again but it just feels different now…so how did you get over it or did you?
 

16. Focus on Life’s Moments July 14, 2011

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 10:17 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

I am 25 years old.

I am married.

I have 1 child. Here are their ages/genders: 3rd trimester!

I stay at home.

I am middle.

I live urban.

I own & rent.

I completed undergrad & graduate.

I am straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: Caucasian Canadian.

 

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing.  Having my father work out of the country and being raised by my mother who struggled.
  1. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through.  Advice would be lovely. Question: How do I rid myself of the expectation of doing it ‘perfect’.
  1. Something that concerns me about my child(ren).  I am concerned about raising a kind, intelligent, confident and motivated child.
  1. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far).  So far, eating a jalapeño cheese Fat Franks and knowing it wasn’t nutritious for my growing baby!
  1. What annoys me most about other mothers.  The ‘new age’ type of parenting… I grew up playing on an acreage with bare feet in the mud and probably ate some. Never used hand sanitizer, did it even exist? Birthday parties weren’t big shows and they were just ‘play dates’ with cake and a few presents. Parenting seems to have gotten complicated.
  1. I am happiest when.  I reflect on my life and the people I have by my side.
  1. I am saddest when.  I set myself up for unrealistic expectations and fail.
  1. My biggest fear.  Loosing anyone in my immediate family.
  1. I am ashamed of.  My lack of confidence.
  1. Something I need to forgive.  Honestly, I work very hard on forgiveness and make it a priority. Forgiving myself is my biggest struggle.
  1. Something I wish I could say to someone.  NO. It’s not in my vocabulary enough and I over extend myself too much.
  1. Something I have never told anyone.  My sister attempted suicide in high school because of her anxiety and I’m the only one who knows.
  1. Something I am trying to change about myself.  My procrastination.
  1. My biggest accomplishment.  Marrying my best friend.
  1. I wish.  I had less financial struggles at this time in life.
  1. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting.  That no one is perfect and forgiveness is essential.
  1. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting.  Being away from your family isn’t worth an extra 0 on your paycheck. He is still struggling with forgiving himself for this.
  1. How I would describe my faith life.  I am constantly struggling and growing in getting to know God more.
  1. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year.  That I take it easy and focus more on life’s moments rather than crossing things off my to-do list.
  1. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.  I grew up with a very troubled mother who gave every attempt she had to be the best mother she knew how. She was an alcoholic and my sisters and I raised her as much as she did us. 25+ years later I look at my beautiful mother as my best friend and a survivor. I hope to be half the mother that she was, regardless of her flaws.                               
  2. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments.
 

9. I’m Afraid We’ve Ruined Her Already June 25, 2011

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 10:11 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

I am 32 years old.

I am married.

I have 1 child.  She is 3 months old.

I usually work part-time, when I’m not on maternity leave.

I am lower-middle.

I live rural, but grew up urban.

I own.

I completed an undergrad degree.

I am straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background:  I’m about as Canadian as you can get.

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing.It would have to be the impact my grandma had on my life.  There were plenty of ups and downs, but she was constant.  She was a strong woman who set an example of strong faith and strong love.  And she gave the best hugs of anyone I’ve ever known.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through. Take the time you need to heal after labour and delivery.  Everyone can meet the baby later, she’s not going anywhere!  Take as much help as you can get, spend as much time as you can in bed with your baby, and rest rest rest!
  3. Something that concerns me about my child. She sleeps a lot during the day… I know, I’m sure there are plenty of moms who WISH their baby would sleep a lot during the day, but every time she takes a nap I envision another hour in the middle of the night that I’ll be dealing with a fussy baby (which actually seldom happens).  Though I honestly wouldn’t know what to do with her if she was awake all day and I’d probably just start worrying about that.
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far).  The days I’m too tired and don’t feel like mothering.  I really don’t want to be that kind of mom.
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers.  The apparent lack of empathy.  For some reason “empathy” in mommyland seems to be expressed as “let me tell you how much worse my life is and why you have no reason to complain.  Baby isn’t sleeping well?  Well you’re lucky he sleeps at all, MY baby didn’t sleep a wink for the first 13 years of his life”.  It’s like it’s a mommy version of our parents’ “when I was your age, I had to walk to school barefoot, uphill, both ways, in the snow, with my seven brothers and sisters on my back…”.  Since we’ve all been through hard mommy days, let’s just say “ooh, that’s hard.  Don’t worry, it’ll pass” instead of trying to out-do each other’s war stories, ok?
  6. I am happiest when.  We’ve all had enough sleep.  Oh how happiness reigns in this house after a good night’s sleep!
  7. I am saddest when.  I think of the people she won’t meet and won’t get to have the impact on her that they had on me.
  8. My biggest fear.  I’m afraid we’ve ruined her already.  We had a rocky start and I’m afraid she’ll grow up insecure and timid because of the instability of her first few months.
  9. I am ashamed of.  My selfishness.  Aren’t mothers supposed to be naturally selfless and sacrificial?  Sometimes I’d still rather watch TV than interact with my beautiful daughter.  It’s awful.
  10. Something I need to forgive.  Myself and my husband, in advance, for not being the perfect parents I wish we could be.
  11. Something I wish I could say to someone.  I need help.  Lots of it.  Every day.  But I don’t know how to ask for it.
  12. Something I have never told anyone.  I always wanted to have kids.  I just said I didn’t because I didn’t want to get my hopes up or have people feel sorry for me if it didn’t happen.
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself.  I’m trying to learn to ask for help.  I’m trying to let go of my fears about ruining her and just focus on loving her instead.  I’m trying to go easier on my husband since I know he just seems more irritating because I’m so tired.
  14. My biggest accomplishment.  As cheesy and new-mothery as it sounds, my biggest accomplishment is having my daughter.  Three months ago, I would have said graduating college or my career or something like that, but seriously, pushing that kid out is by far the biggest, baddest thing I’ve ever done!
  15. I wish.  Our families were closer.  Or even just one family member.  Or just a nice group of mommy friends nearby… I wish for company.
  16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting.  Hugs heal.
  17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting.  It’s never too late to start getting it right.
  18. How I would describe my faith life.  It’s an anchor, it grounds me to something solid when life is trying to throw me overboard.
  19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year.  I hope I’ll have figured out SOMETHING about how to be a mom!  I hope we’ll have all settled into our new family, I hope my daughter will be happy and healthy, I hope my husband and I will have time for each other, and I hope my brain will come back to me!
  20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.  You know how everyone always says “I can’t even remember what life was like before my child came along…”?  I can.  I remember it well – I slept more then.  My husband and I snuggled up on the couch and watched movies together.  We went on dates.  We travelled on the spur of the moment.  I called my friends (and didn’t talk about poop!).  I read books.  I used my brain for nobler purposes than keeping track of feeding and bathing and poop.  But, despite missing all that, I still like life better now that she’s in it.
  21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments. What are your dreams for your children?  What do you know now that you wish you knew when you were a new parent?  How has your child(ren) changed you?
 

7. Unicorns, Rainbows, and Yelling, Oh My! June 21, 2011

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 12:06 am
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     ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

I am 34 years old.

I am common-law.

I have 1 son who is 12 weeks and 4 days old as I write this.

I currently stay home on maternity leave, but will return to my full-time job in March 2012.

I am middle.

I live rural.

I rent-to-own. 

I completed high school, and have gone to university (but didn’t graduate).

I am straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: My maternal grandfather was born in Germany, moved to Canada as a young boy and fought as a Canadian soldier in WWII. My maternal grandmother’s family is Irish. Everything about the paternal side is English/Scottish as far as I know.

 

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing. My parents raised me to make my own decisions from an early age and to not tolerate lying, cheating or stealing.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through. It’s not as easy as other people make it look. Follow your instincts and don’t let other people dictate what you do in regards to your child. You’re the mother, you what’s best for you and your child.
  3. Something that concerns me about my child is nothing. My son is awesome. He’s been sleeping through the night since about seven or eight weeks, he’s happy and growing like a weed. In fact if I’m concerned about anything it’s that he’s outgrowing everything, including his cradle. I don’t really want him to sleep in his own room yet…
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far). When my son was about four or five weeks old, I yelled and swore at him because he woke me up at 3 am and flatly refused to go back to sleep for the rest of the night. I was so tired and frustrated that I lost it on him and woke up my partner with my yelling/cursing. I felt so bad afterwards that I promised my son I would never do that again no matter how tired and frustrated I got because he had really done nothing to deserve that kind of treatment from his mommy. 
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers. When they let their kids walk all over them. I’m sorry, but when I was a kid, if I treated or talked to my mother the way I’ve seen kids (especially teenagers) treat/talk to their mothers these days, I would have been in the biggest trouble ever. What happened to respect? The mother is the parent and should not be letting her kids get away with disrespecting her.
  6. I am happiest when my son smiles at me. He has the most awesome smile. My partner says it’s made of unicorns and rainbows, and I think he’s right.
  7. I am saddest when my son cries and pouts. It completely breaks my heart when he gets upset like that and pouts at me like he’s just the saddest person on the planet and I can’t figure out why. I know he’s not that sad, he’s got a really happy disposition, but the pouts just get me.
  8. My biggest fear is that I will do something that will screw my son up for life in some way. I don’t think I will, but I’m not perfect, so you never know.
  9. I am ashamed of the fact that I yelled and cursed at my son.
  10. Something I need to forgive is the fact that I yelled and cursed at my son. Yes, I’m hung up on that, but it was a big moment for me. It helped me realize that I need to chill out. I haven’t forgiven myself for it even though I have chilled out significantly since then.
  11. Something I wish I could say to someone is “I hope that when you visit this summer that you actually make time for us and we don’t have to go to you for that to happen.”
  12. Something I have never told anyone. I’m afraid of somehow failing as a mother and not doing everything I can for my son to prepare him for life in this world.
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself. I’ve been trying to stop being so hard on myself.
  14. My biggest accomplishment. Bringing my son into this world. I had a rough labor that ended in a c-section because I instinctively knew if we kept going, my son would die. The next day, a nurse told me not to feel bad that it ended in a c-section instead of a vaginal birth. My response was “It never crossed my mind…why would I feel bad? I made the decision for my son and myself…it was the right one, and I would never feel bad for that.”
  15. I wish that my son’s grandparents will all be around for a long time and that he will ask them anything he wants to know before they’re gone and it’s too late. 
  16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting. Listen and don’t judge what my child says. My mother has always listened to what I had to say, and because of that I consider her to be one of my best friends…even when I was a teenager (a time when most kids hate their mother).
  17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting. Don’t fall into gender role traps. My father nurtured my love of cars, hunting and fishing when I was a kid, even though those are things more likely to be enjoyed by a boy.
  18. How I would describe my faith life. Complex.
  19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year. I hope we have less debt.
  20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above is that I overcame a past abusive relationship. In spite of the trauma that was for me, I am strong, healthy and happy now. It helped shape who I am today, and while I would never wish a situation like that on anyone, it was an experience I would not want to change because of what it taught me.