somemother

part forum. part confession. part celebration.

31 Words for 31 Days – Day 24, on Saliency October 24, 2013

Filed under: 31 Days 2013 — somemother @ 11:29 pm
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In minutes, I knew everything important about this stranger.

Coffee. Wine. Twins. Teenagers. Divorce. Work. Survival. Happy now.

As we departed, she earnestly said, I’ll say a prayer for you.

Me.

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54. Once a Mother, Always a Mother ((Happy Mother’s Day!)) May 13, 2012

ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

 

I am 68 years old.

 

I am divorced.

 

I have 4 children. Here are their ages/genders: 4 girls: 46, 41, 37, 37.  PMS was fun at my house.

 

I am retired.

 

I am lower.

 

I live urban.

 

I rent.

 

I completed Grade 11. To cool for school.

 

I am straight.

 

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: Christian.

 

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing. My parents were always around. My mom was a stay-at-home-mom. Most important we had a christian home.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through. It has been a long time since I had children at home that I was responsible for. I did some things right and a lot wrong – but – not one died, got pregnant, or in trouble with the law (that I know of). Some of the things I learnt: Don’t sweat the small  stuff. Don’t expect perfection. Learn as you go. Work together with your mate – you are both learning how to do this job (without training). Don’t criticize your mate in front of your children. Show respect for each other and your children will learn respect. That is a lot of don’ts. Most of all love your children, be patient. Remember you are capable of so much more than you think you are!  Taking on responsibilities doesn’t mean giving up joy. Sometimes it is a great way to find it.
  3. Something that concerns me about my children. As mothers themselves they need to count their blessings and be HAPPY and CONTENT with where they are at, at that moment. Cut themselves and others some slack. And ENJOY!
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far). There are so many I couldn’t even list them. As for my children they tell me they don’t remember me yelling at them ever!!! So…
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers. When they compare their kids to other kids, expect them to do “as good” or better in everything. All kids are different(even in the same family). God made them that way. For a reason I might add!
  6. I am happiest when my family is happy, at peace with each other, and enjoying life together.
  7. I am saddest when my children are in discord. They say it doesn’t concern me – but that is not true. It is always my concern. If it hurts your child, it hurts you more. Doesn’t matter how old they are.  Once a Mother always a Mother!
  8. My biggest fear. Something will happen to one of my children or grandkids.
  9. I am ashamed of. After working almost all my life, I will most likely need financial help from my kids in the near future.
  10. Something I need to forgive. Disrespect.
  11. Something I wish I could say to someone.  Let yourself be happy and content. Life goes by too quickly to be otherwise. Tell the ones you love–that you do love them often, for no reason, and show it by your actions.
  12. Something I have never told anyone. I am afraid a lot of the time that I am not a good enough person, that I don’t deserve to be happy — Then I shake my head and remember –I am God’s child.
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself. To be more confident, not to be afraid, to believe in myself. Above all to LET GOD!
  14. My biggest accomplishment. My kids! Second: surviving my divorce.
  15. I wish I could be the mother my children envision…  I am not , so they will have to accept what God gave them.
  16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting. My Mother made our house a HOME! No matter how much we had or didn’t have. We always felt safe and loved.
  17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting. My Father was a patient, kind man. He had a great sense of humour. He loved all his children unconditionally. I strive to be like him!
  18. How I would describe my faith life. I know that God has my life in his hands. I do admit that I have to remind myself of that fact many times.  There are a lot of things to think about, but nothing to worry about!
  19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year. My family will ALL be together happy and content!
  20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.  Motherhood is the greatest, unending, most rewarding job you will ever have. You need to know it will never end. Your heart and mind will always be with each one of your children for the rest of your life. SO ENJOY!  Once a Mother, always a Mother.  God Bless.
  21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments.
 

49. I Am Grateful Almost Every Day For It All February 4, 2012

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 12:19 am
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you)

I am 29 years old.
I am married.
I have 1 child. Here are their ages/genders: 4/F
I work part-time.
I am lower middle (in my area, but I guess some geographical regions might consider us upper middle).
I live suburban.
I own.
I completed undergrad.
I am straight-ish.
Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: white.
 
NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU
    1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing.  Independence, DIY ethos.
    2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through.  Be patient, give YOURSELF a time out if you must but try to be understanding to your child instead of just insisting on a certain behavior.
    3. Something that concerns me about my child.  Cavities.
    4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far).  Spanking and yelling.
    5. What annoys me most about other mothers.  Putting infants in daycare.
    6. I am happiest when I have a little work but can get it done and hang out peacefully with my kid and have had some time to work out, too.
    7. I am saddest when I have no office work, my kid is acting up and I am feeling the ennui.
    8. My biggest fear.  My emotional weirdness will affect my kid more than my love and positive attention.
    9. I am ashamed of having hit my kid.
    10. Something I need to forgive.  I have already forgiven being hit by dad and ex-husband, neglected emotionally by parents at critical times and cheated on by husband (with other men, so it wasn’t that bad).
    11. Something I wish I could say to someone.  I am often so lonely and not as together as I seem (I do a really good job of keeping it together on the outside.)
    12. Something I have never told anyone.  Nothing, I have confessed or told one thing or another to someone.
    13. Something I am trying to change about myself.  Being calm and more stoic.
    14. My biggest accomplishment.  Marathons and giving birth with no drugs? Making it through college living on my own, paying my own way after marriage at 18, abuse and divorce? Doing my own legal work for my divorce at age 20?
    15. I wish I had more answers.
    16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting.  It’s OK to be a nosy, butting in mom. Better than being hands off and having the kid be adrift. Stick up for your kid.
    17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting.  Don’t hit your kid.
    18. How I would describe my faith life.  Meh.
    19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year.  Kid’s cavities will be filled and she won’t have more, I’ll weigh 10 lbs less and have my emotions under control.
    20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.  I am grateful almost every day for it all.
    21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments. How on earth do people manage to have happy lives, with time for themselves and all there is to do, when they have more than one kid?
 

32. Once Lost, Can Love Grow Back? August 31, 2011

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 10:41 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

I am 34 years old.

I am currently married, but am possibly facing divorce after being together for eleven years.

I have a daughter. Here is her age: she will be 7 years old in 3 months time.

have been a full-time housewife and then a stay-at-home mother since I got married and since my daughter was born.

I live in a busy metropolitan city, in a society where status and wealth for some reason matters more than personality.

I completed my undergraduate studies in Psychology and Economics.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: ¾ Chinese and ¼ Dutch. 

 

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringingMy parents were divorced when I was three years old, because my father was a womanizer and a gambler.  I was raised by my mother, who placed an extremely high importance on education and being financially independent.  My mother went on to marry twice more, but all ended in divorce.  Because of that, I grew up believing that men can’t be trusted.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through.   Chill, try to take it easy on yourself.  Don’t beat yourself over a small mistake or oops moment.  And never fear that your child won’t love you back if he or she happens to be difficult during the first few months.  My daughter used to prefer her nanny when she was a baby; she always struggled out of my arms, and I was never able to rock her to sleep in my arms.  I used to hate myself for that… thinking I must have been a bad mother.  But a child knows when he or she’s loved and who loves him/her the most.  I think it was at 5 months old, when suddenly she just decided to stick to me like a glue.
  3. Something that concerns me about my child. My impending divorce… it breaks my heart to know that she will not be able to have her mommy and daddy living under the same roof.  I worry of how my divorce would affect her in the long run: in how she views relationships and the opposite sex, in how she carries herself being a child of divorce when her friends are not, and in how she envisions marriage and family life later on.  I also wished I had given her a sibling…  I am an only child.  Growing up being an only child was tough for me because I felt so much expectations coming from my parents.  As I get older, I often wished I had a sibling to share my concerns and feelings, especially when it comes to worrying about my parents’ health.
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far).  It is so easy to take for granted, that my daughter would always be the way she is, that at times when she clung to me or wanted to spend time with me, I too often brushed her aside, say, “Later, Mommy’s busy right now.”  Those moments, once passed, can never be repeated.  I regret the times when I failed to cherish moments that seemed inconsequential.  Time flies when it comes to how quickly our children grow.  It is very easy to miss it if you don’t pay attention.
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers. Mothers who are very competitive and think very highly of themselves. Their children always have to be the best: go to the best schools, get the best grades, do the most extracurricular activities, and achieve various developmental milestones much earlier than other kids.  These mothers, proud of how they raise their children, often believe that their way is the only correct way of parenting.  They look down on other mothers who do things differently than they do (for example, staying-at-home vs. working moms), not realizing that there are moms with different beliefs, and there are also moms bound by circumstances in their lives.
  6. I am happiest when I hear my daughter laughs.
  7. I am saddest when something or somebody hurts my child’s feelings.  My mother instinct immediately kicks in and wants to protect her.  To tell her that she is loved.
  8. My biggest fear is if my daughter is harmed in any way.  And if somehow I passed on before I could fulfill my responsibility in preparing her to stand on her own two feet.
  9. I am ashamed of a lot more than I care to admit.  Of letting problems between me and my husband pile higher and higher until it has become an insurmountable mountain.  Of not being able to give a good example to her of how a marriage life should be.
  10. Something I need to forgiveI need to forgive my father for being the kind of husband to my mother and for the kind of father that he was to me.
  11. Something I wish I could say to someone. I wish I could tell my husband how much I regret not paying more attention to his needs earlier.  I wish I could tell my mother not to worry so much over me.
  12. Something I have never told anyone.
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself.  I’m trying to love myself more.  To not expect myself to be perfect all the time and to not beat myself whenever I make mistakes.  I’m learning to accept that there are things that I’m good at, and there are also things that I’m just not good at… and that’s ok.
  14. My biggest accomplishment.  Having a daughter who is kind-hearted, full of empathy, always cheerful and excited to learn and try on new things.  There are times when I am just in awe… and so thankful to God, that I, who am so negative and anxious-ridden, am blessed with a daughter that’s so different to me in every (good) way!
  15. I wish for good health for my family, for reconciliation of my marriage, for a closer relationship with God.
  16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting. The importance of praise: never punish, always encourage.  And that it is okay to make mistakes.
  17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting. That even your own father can treat you like nothing more than an atm machine.  Action speaks louder than words.
  18. How I would describe my faith life. I am a Christian.  I need to have more faith to “walk by faith and not by sight.”  To spend more time with God, and to be more patient when it comes to His timing.
  19.  Something I hope will be different for me by this time next yearI hope by next year I would already be accepted to the school of my choice (I would like to go back to school) and that I don’t cry as much anymore.
  20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.  I am an introvert, socially awkward despite my outer appearance.  When people see me, they tend to see only the outside.  Of how I live comfortably and how money is not an issue.  Of how could I be crying when my situation is still “much better” compared to other people. It’s so easy to judge people who looked like they have everything as having a life that’s equally perfect, and that there can’t possibly be anything that are worth their complaining about.  Few people realize that problems and trials do not discriminate.  I believe that each person has his or her own cross to bear.
  21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the commentsDo you believe that once lost, love could grow back?
 

23. My Husband is a Key Part July 31, 2011

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 10:11 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

I am 39 years old.

I am married.

I have 2 children. Here are their ages/genders: 5-year-old girl, 2-year-old boy

I work full-time, but from home.

I am upper-middle.

I live urban.

I own.

I completed undergrad.

I am straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: Your basic whitey with a dash of Native American.

 

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringing.  Divorced parents as long as I can remember. Both parents are extreme opposites.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through. Don’t forget how freaking cute they are, when you’re super frustrated at their incredible lack of self-control.
  3. Something that concerns me about my children. I worry about my children learning empathy. A LOT.
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far). Let’s see, I cut my 3-month-olds toenail too far and it never grew back. That same child now knows that “f**k” is what you say when you’re really, really, mad. She’s 5.
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers. The inability to put yourself — sympathetically — in another mom’s shoes unless she shares your dogmatic  beliefs.
  6. I am happiest when I’m surrounded by my happy family.
  7. I am saddest when I worry about my family.
  8. My biggest fear is that any one of them, at any time could be taken from me.
  9. I am ashamed of my anger at my kids when they embarrass me in public.
  10. Something I need to forgive.  My own mother for not teaching me that kids should be allowed to make mistakes. (And adults, for that matter.)
  11. Something I wish I could say to someone. “I swear to god, my kids are not usually like this.”
  12. Something I have never told anyone. I’m really scared my daughter will marry the wrong person.
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself. Oh god. Let’s see. Patience, and my weight. In that order.
  14. My biggest accomplishment.  Teaching my daughter how sexism works, but still putting a positive spin on men and women and how they work together. That’s right, in pre-school.
  15. I wish Supernanny, Jo Frost could live with us three days out of every month.
  16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting. That while perfection should never be a goal, it should always be a consideration. 
  17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting. Even the biggest f**k up has kids that love him.
  18. How I would describe my faith life. Pure as the driven snow.
  19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year. My pre-schooler will stop acting like a teenager.
  20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above. My husband is a key part of my health, my happiness, and my children’s happiness. 
  21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments. I’d like to see moms answer the question: When did you decide you were ready to have kids? I decided about three months after I met my husband, and not one second before. I hate that that sounds a little bit like I need a man, because it’s more about me not trusting men, then my dependence on men. But basically, I wasn’t going to do it alone. And thank god I found the right person to do it with. Otherwise, honestly, I never would have.
 

13. I Want to Go Back to Being ME July 8, 2011

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 11:24 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

I am 26 years old.

I am married.

I have 4 children. 10yo(g), 7yo(b) 4yo(g),15m(b). 

I am middle-upper.

stay home/work at home.

I live rural.

own.

I completed certificate of competence.

I am straight. 

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: Caucasian/American.

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringingNot much to really note. Divorced parents, father in the US Army, mother nurse, lived with mother but she wasn’t that close to me.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of childbearing that I just went throughBabysit a bratty 10 year old girl before you ever think of having a child. The older ones are trouble.
  3. Something that concerns me about my child(ren). That they now only have one living grandparent. 
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far). Marrying the father of my son after he 9 months old, we were not together during pregnancy and needless to say divorced in 6 months
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers. Single mothers who are so busy looking for a husband they do not have time for their kids or themselves.
  6. I am happiest when. I get sleep of some kind and wake to happy babies not fussy under-rested ones. 
  7. I am saddest when. I feel like I have failed as a mother and do not have time/money for activities they want to do. 
  8. My biggest fear. Death.
  9. I am ashamed of. Not caring what I look like anymore.  
  10. Something I need to forgive. Myself.
  11. Something I wish I could say to someone. Just go… be yourself.
  12. Something I have never told anyone. I never pictured myself with kids, if I was a normal teen with activities and got more attention I would only have one child right now.  
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself. I want to go back to being ME and not who everyone else wants me to be.
  14. My biggest accomplishment. Buying a second home at 26. So ready to start new closer to “home.”
  15. I wish. My mother was still here, we didn’t really argue, she was just focused to much on finding a “new man” that she made herself depressed and lost that battle. 
  16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parenting. Tell your kids you love them every day! No matter how old they are. 
  17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting. Even if you are not there due to time, work or money you can still be the best father in the world.
  18. How I would describe my faith life. n/a
  19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year. I will have a little more money for fun and my children will have friends over that they can see/spend the day with whenever they would like.
  20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above.  I am not afraid of life/divorce. I have only been in a few long term relationships and 2 have ended in children and splitting up/divorce. Yes I was young but I did what I had to for my child even if that meant dropping out of school and working two jobs. I think all moms need that feeling of “If I had to do it alone, could I ?” Yes you can!
  21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the comments.  Did you always want to be a Mother?
 

1. Keeping the kids out of prison, one single mother at a time June 5, 2011

Filed under: Story — somemother @ 9:45 pm
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ESTABLISHING YOURSELF (a few details that help somemothers know what they have in common with you).

I am 34 years old.

I am twice divorced, because I am better at raising kids than I am at raising husbands. (Don’t comment I need therapy, it’s a joke. As in, HA HA)

I have 4 children. Here are their ages/genders: my girls are 15 & 11 and my boys are 5 & 6.

have been unemployed for over 1 year and am now a student again.

I am now lowest of the low, but aspire to go back to middle.

I live urban.

I rent.

I completed my undergrad degree with another in progress.

I am straight.

Of note about my ethnicity and/or cultural background: Average white bread American. Not toasted.

NOW, TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

  1. The most significant aspect of my upbringingBeing placed into a group home for “troubled kids” when I was 14. It forced me to realize that I had to conform to obeying authority figures and work on being a good human in general instead of focusing solely on myself. It also gave me many gifts of learning normal daily habits that were previously unknown to me, such as proper house cleaning, how to interact with people (I was shy), etc. I spent 1.5 years there and they ended up being the most significant time of my life.
  2. My best advice to mothers about to enter the stage of child rearing that I just went through. “Roll with it baby!” Every stage is different with each kid, and sometimes you are going to want to sell your kids and sometimes they are the sweetest gift ever. Don’t get so bogged down in freaking out about a stage because by the time you figure that one out they are in a new stage.
  3. Something that concerns me about my child(ren). The impact of two divorces, and different custody schedules & home routines in a total of three different houses. It is exhausting and difficult enough for me to maintain their schedules (I have 4 kids on some days and 2 on others) but for them it is down right confusing. Every morning I drop them at school and have to explain who is picking them up and which siblings they get to see today. I worry this will drive them insane or at least lead to depression, anxiety, etc.
  4. My absolute worst mothering moment (so far). So many to choose from…probably staying with my 2nd after he hit me, which resulted in him hitting one of the kids next. I left my husband that night but will always wonder why it wasn’t enough to leave when it was focused on me; why I let him near my children knowing it was a possiblity-however remote I believed it to be; what will that child remember (so far nothing, it was minor in physical damage terms); and finally how will I explain to those two children in the future when they ask why we divorced? The older ones know the truth, plus the paperwork exists that exposes it in detail, so lying isn’t an option.
  5. What annoys me most about other mothers. The perfection game: the moms who can’t accept that we are all getting on-the-job-training for a position we thought would be vastly different. Who knew how much poop we would have to deal with? Enough with the “my Jimmy is so perfect because” crap: the truth is we all suck in varying degrees on different days(even the kids) and we are all just trying to cope and keep our kids out of prison.
  6. I am happiest when my kids are playing nicely, being sweet, and I have chocolate and caffeine nearby.
  7. I am saddest when my kids are away (the next person who tells me weekends off are WONDERFUL will.get.a.black.eye! They are not wonderful. How about you send your kids away every other weekend with the neighborhood creeper guy and see how you handle it?)
  8. My biggest fear is not preparing my kids for life. I am a young mom, and I get things wrong a lot, but I don’t want to produce adults that are negative, or a drain on society. I want to produce positive kids that make a difference in life and are good people. Oh, and that my one son dies early. He has tried to a few times, and I want him to live a long life.
  9. I am ashamed of lots of stuff. Really. My biggest is how I handled a situation with trying to help a friend and ending up telling her story to people I shouldn’t have. I have plenty of excuses (like, cuz I am an idiot?) but bottom line is I should have keep my nose out of it.
  10. Something I need to forgiveI need to truly forgive my parents for their roles in my upbringing.
  11. Something I wish I could say to someone. I wish I could tell my grandmother and grandfather how much I miss them and I wish I had/could have used my time with them on Earth more wisely, not realizing they would be gone so soon.
  12. Something I have never told anyoneI regret ever moving in with my dad in more ways than I can express. In my desire to know more I helped create a disaster. I should have let him stay an almost stranger.
  13. Something I am trying to change about myself. Trying to know myself more, listen to myself more, not bow to peer pressure, and really actually try and lose some weight 🙂
  14. My biggest accomplishment. Surviving and thriving in the midst of life crumbling around me multiple times. I could totally write my life’s story and you would think it was a soap opera.
  15. I wish for a lot of things. Mostly a comfortable life for my kids without such heartache. Although some lottery money would be great!
  16. Something my relationship with my mother has taught me about parentingPaying attention to your kids when they are little is more important than when they are older! Because it does matter to them if you can or can’t remember how they like their sandwiches.
  17. Something my relationship with my father has taught me about parenting. Throwing money at a “problem” doesn’t make it better. I would rather have real face-to-face conversations than all the money in the world.
  18. How I would describe my faith life. Emerging, growing, but in need of better tending by me.
  19. Something I hope will be different for me by this time next year. I hope I will have more money to support us, although I doubt it.
  20. Something important about my story that hasn’t been captured by the questions above. My third child has mild special needs which his father doesn’t want to be involved in. His issues were much bigger when he was younger, but now he is “almost normal”. However, we still deal with multiple therapy appointments a week, and there are things he may never be able to do, like organized sports, etc.  Through his life he has shown me that he is the coolest kid in the world and has me in awe of how he handles his setbacks!
  21. BONUS: A question you would like to see added to this list that readers can respond to in the commentsWhat one decision in your life would you take back? Mine is easy, I would not have moved away from my hometown after high school.